When there’s a lot of change in my life I crave nostalgia. I find myself getting lost in old movies, tv shows, and old songs. It reminds of a time when life was safe, predictable, and comfortable. I made a dua a couple years ago to be where I’m at. I am very grateful that I’m living in answered dua. What I didn’t predict was how challenging this blessing could bring.
In Alex Elle’s book, After The Rain she says, “ When I think about change, I like to imagine the transitions between the seasons. This helps me view change as a beautiful unfolding rather than a terrifying process.I’ve always been fascinated with autumn foliage; I’m amazed by how the leaves wither and wilt before falling away. I often wonder what gave perennial plants and trees enough trust in their Creator to be born again come spring. I like to think their fiery golden hues represent the bravery it takes to shed what is no longer needed, without a question or doubt. Letting go has never been my strength. If I were a tree, I’d be scared out of my mind that my leaves would never return. But in my ideal world, change wouldn’t incite fear. Instead, it would encourage shedding as part of the natural process of becoming whole and lush.”
I moved from my hometown at the end of May 2024 and said goodbye to co-workers, friends, and family. I struggled with finding a job for about seven months. I went through another breakup. I embarked on a weight loss journey. I really learned how to be disciplined, so that I create that self-love again. I grew apart from myself. I became a new version of myself. Now, I want to cherish and protect the new me. This new me scares me, this new me surprises me, but the old me is still there. I struggle with change. But, with change I learned that there was a lot I needed to shed to grow. Shedding is a painful process because being attached to comfort meant anxiety could leave me alone.
I no longer want to date anymore, I’m burned out from it, and honestly I just want to prioritize myself. I still really want love and partnership, but some-days I honestly feel like it might not be written for me. I learned from unemployment last year. It taught me that anything delayed has more khair to it. This understanding has allowed me to be more patient. My friendships have definitely changed and I didn’t realize how long it takes to make good friends. Most of my close friends are long distance, which is great, but I need more than that. I think my standards for friendships have also changed too. I need face to face interactions more often and more check ins. I think this is something I need to voice earlier on.
I also didn’t realize how much confidence you can gain once you lose weight. I no longer hate how my clothes feel. People treat you a little differently once you lose weight and that’s a change that scares me. I worry what if I can’t maintain the weight I lost and gain it back? Losing it took so much work and effort. I think it will be very disappointing to gain it back. I’m finally feeling more confident and ready to take this really big step in my life. It will change the way I live my life. I’ve wanted to pursue it for so long, but failing the first time really discouraged me. I wish there was a way to know if I can handle this big change?
I think seeing my cousins get married has been enlightening to see how they process change. They went through periods of stress, excitement, doubt, and fear. They have each told me they were terrified and confused going into it. They put their trust in Allah and themselves and took action. They both said you don’t really know your spouse fully until you live with them. You just have let go see and see what Allah is going to test you with. I guess that’s why Marriage really is half your deen. Maybe that’s why some people prefer to stay single because it’s safe and predictable.
I guess your woman’s intuition is the second road map. I spent so many years doubting it until it got tested this year. Listening to my gut got me here. I also learned that once your life starts changing drastically, so do you. That change is growth, but that growth can also make you more lonely. An emotion that quite literally damages your health if you don’t deal with it. I have been asking myself, how do I deal with it? Why is it here again to haunt me? I know one thing for sure, Allah definitely wants me closer to him.
Flowers4ladan 